Monday, January 12, 2015

To my dear firstborn,

Writing this is all but breaking my heart
But I feel like God isn't going to let me birth your baby sister until I write this
SO
I'm gonna write.

I've been putting this off for a while now because there is just too much to say to you
and words escape me now more than ever.

You've saved my life
more than once.

You were born in a time of difficulty for our family.
We had NO money
Papi had been made the leader of our church congregation two weeks prior and with that comes a lot of responsibility.
We lived in a scary part of town (which still, I'm sure, gives my mother nightmares)
and other parts of our lives were all but peaceful.

But then you came.
I remember looking into your face for the first time and feeling like my wait was finally over.
My best friend had finally come for a visit!
I had been waiting for you and I didn't even know it.

You made the unrest of the outside world unimportant to your Papi and me.
All that mattered from then on was the few hours we got to spend in the mornings together.
You helped me to be creative at stretching our weekly single-digit grocery budget into random and hilarious meals for your Papi.
(Thank heavens for the farmers market that nearly gives away all of the overripe produce)
He never minded because when we would drop off dinner (around 5:45) you were always waiting for him in the car
and seeing your little gummy grin made all the worries of the news world, the church congregation, and weird food melt away.

Before you were born, I worried so much about my contribution to the world but once you came, I didn't worry anymore.
It became very clear what my contribution would be:
You.

You also sparked a whole new kind of love between your Papi and me.
Watching him with you makes me weak in the knees.
Your kind of love affair is one that even a mommy can't break up
and shame on me if I ever do.

The other time you saved my life was much more recent.
We were driving down I-15 and I was having a stroke
and all I could think about was getting you to safety.
I was so worried about crashing the car because my most prized possession was in the back seat.

As I cried, you cried too because you and I feel the same ways.
When you get hurt and cry, it always makes me tear up because I feel your pain.
In that moment, I realized that it went both directions.
You could feel my pain too and so you cried.
You said over and over 
"it'll be okay, Mommy.  It'll be okay."
I couldn't talk so I said nothing back but your reassuring words got me to the next exit and parked safely.

Had you not been in the back seat that day, I fear for what might have happened.
The remainder of my working mind was focused so hard on getting you to safety that I could think of nothing else.
What if you hadn't been there?
I may have succumbed fully to the stroke and then what would have happened?

I believe that you are to thank for our safety that day.
You and a whole slew of angels.

A love between a mother and daughter is unexplainable
and the love you can have for someone who has saved your life cannot be put into words.
You have both of those kinds of love from me and trying to explain it is impossible.

I hope that someday you'll understand both kinds of love because then you might be able to understand why I'm so enamored with you.

Thank you my little princess.
Thank you.

2 comments:

  1. This is so sweet. Celine's a lucky girl! You'll be amazed at how your heart will have room for her and the baby, but there's just something so special about your first-born and the time you got to share alone together.

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  2. What an amazing story! Thank you for sharing! Let us help when you need it. Just call!

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