Monday, April 2, 2012

Lesson 1 for the girl baby: Things every teenage female should know

I'm having a girl baby.  She is currently kicking me in the ribs.  This joyous moment has inspired me to write her the first of many messages all about things she should know as a female.  It's a crazy time and place for the female breed.  So, here it is:

Things Every Teenage Female Should Know

If another girl is mean to you, take it as a compliment.  It just means that she's jealous of you.  You must be really pretty, talented, smart, or something else fabulous.

You don't actually have to go to that party for people to like you.  There's always so much talk about how awesome parties are.  Are they really?  I mean seriously, no one makes delicious gourmet food for a high school party.  No one will be doing a best and worst dressed in the upcoming People magazine from your high school party.  And finally, drinking alcohol makes EVERY HUMAN act and look exceptions...ever.  So, why exactly would you go to a high school party?  I'd much rather be at home, eating ramen noodles, and happy-crying over a chick-flick with my BFF.

Wearing tight clothes, low-cut shirts, and short skirts/shorts make you look easy.  Looking easy never got anyone anywhere good.  End of conversation.

You are actually prettier with less makeup.  Moving in to the "make up phase" of life is so exciting and it's easy to cake it on.  I remember one morning in my high school career where I walked into my mother's classroom for 1st period at which time she lovingly looked at me with the "what happened?" eyes.  She then excused me from school so I could go home, wash my face, and try again.  I've never caked it on since.  What a wise woman.

99.9% of the time, your high school sweetheart WILL NOT BECOME YOUR HUSBAND (thank heavens).  Therefore, there is no reason to cry yourself to sleep over a break-up, have dramatic arguments, or ditch your girlfriends.  Truth be told...waste of time.

Acting stupid only makes you attractive to the stupid guys.  Acting smart makes you attractive to the smart guys.  Smart guys will probably be richer.  Your choice.

Your parents do what they do because they love you.  I can guarantee that before telling you "no" they didn't think to themselves "how can I make my daughter super miserable today?"  or "I want my daughter to be the outcast of the school."  Not likely.

A guy who expects that you'll do more than kiss him goodnight is a loser.  There are no other explanations for it.  

Just because something costs a lot or has the most talked about brand plastered across it does not mean that it is classy nor does it mean that it will look good on you.  Chances are it was made for the super-skinny, no curve girl OR the one who has had a long list of plastic surgeries.  After all that work, she'd BETTER look amazing in absolutely everything she puts on...otherwise, how embarrassing for her.

"That time of the month" is not a free ticket to act like a jerk.  Every woman goes through the same thing every month and if we all acted how we feel like acting, we would probably have ZERO friends, ZERO job, and we would have killed off or seriously harmed anyone who remotely resembles a male.  Pull yourself together and be nice.

Bottom line:
image via prettystuff

Girl Baby: 
We will review these over and over again as you get older.  I promise that these things are for real (tried and tested by yours truly) and they will help you to have a much happier teenage existence.  
Love, Mommy

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  1. I can't even describe how awesome I think this is! As the mother of a 10 year old daughter I have read a lot and nothing has stated it as perfectly as you just did!! I'm totally bookmarking this post!

  2. I love it!! And so true! I jus that've to say that I beat the odds and am in the 0.1%... Once in a blue moon your high school sweetheart really is your eternal best friend.

  3. You are so right and on the ball. Your little girl will love reading these notes when she's old enough to care. :) Well done- you'll be a fantastic mommy.

  4. "Smart guys will probably be richer. Your choice." Bwahaha! Well said! I love this. You'll be a great mommy. :)